Sorry for all my disappearing lately, things have just been really busy. And most days after chasing around the 2 year olds at work, I just can’t keep my eyes open when I get home. So if I’m not running around catching up on errands after work, I’m taking a nap with Si.mon and M.ilo. Then once hubby comes home, I loose access to the computer. He has had a lot of work to do at home lately.

I hope everyone is doing ok, I’ve been checking in from time to time, but I haven’t commented much (sorry).

So nothing to exciting to report on. I’m nearing the end of the 2ww. I’ve actually got my hopes up a little bit, but I keep trying to talk myself back down. I hate having my hopes up since I hate it when it comes crashing down with a big fat negative. I’m at either 12 or 13dpo, I go in for a blood preg. test on Friday. I was thinking of testing earlier just because I would rather see a negative by myself at home rather than having the Dr.’s office call and give me the bad news. And yes, I am expecting it to be bad news, mainly just because it always is bad news.

So on the happy front, this month the only drugs I took was the Metformin. NO fertility drugs and guess what? I ovulated all by myself (on cd18?). And… I think I did see a little EWCM. Yeah!! I definately think I made the right choice by trying no drugs this month. Maybe it will work again or it might just be a fluke this month. Either way I’m happy right now.

I had an appt. with Dr. K yesterday to check in. She was very happy with my results this month and she recommended that we do another natural cycle next month. I thought I would have to tell her that is what we wanted to do, but it was cool that that is what she wanted us to do. After a couple months of natural, she recommended that we either try IUI one time (if we can come up with the money since my insurance does not cover it) or try the injections. She told me that the injections would probably help the CM thing too since it increases estrogen. So we will see as we get there. She also increased my Metformin dosage, probably because that is what helped me out this month.

I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!

P.S. I was tagged by Disenchanted With Reality about 5 things about me. They’re still coming…

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Wow, so the natural thing is going pretty well this cycle so far. Today is cd 15, I haven’t ovulated yet, but things are going well. I went to the RE on Saturday and I had a 13.5 mm follicle. They had me come back to the office today to see if it grew any and today is was 16.5 and I had a new one on the left side that was 13. My lining was 8.5 on Saturday and 9.2 today. So things are progressing pretty good. I go back tomorrow morning to see if it’s grown anymore. I’m trying not to focus on things that much this month, but as always it’s pretty hard.

Not much else to report on today. Been pretty busy lately and I’m still battling this stupid cold. I’ve think I’ve also got sinus problems thrown in there too. Simon (my cat) has had more problems too and we had to make another urgent trip into the vet, but more medication for him and I think he will be alright. What’s kind of funny is that Saturday morning I had to go in for my cd13 ultrasound, then later in the day we had to take Simon into the vet and he had to have an ultrasound too. His vet just happens to be right across the street from my RE too.

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Oh man, back after THE MOST OBNOXIOUS cold got a hold of me. Those little germ monkeys at the da.ycare infected me and I was sick all week. I still had to go into work, so everyday after I came home and slept until it was time to go back to work the next day. I didn’t feel like doing anything else but sleep. I’m still coughing and a little stuffed up but I’m finally starting to feel better today.

Thank you all so much for your comments and thoughts on my last post. You all really helped. I decided at least what I wanted to do this month. I decided to do nothing. No medications (except to continue Glucophage). After I made up my mind I was really happy about doing this. I just need the month off from taking pills and hormones. We are still going to “try” this month, but without clomid or Femara or anything. I’m hoping that I will still ovuate, but there is a very good chance I won’t. Then I will probably seriously start regretting my decision. BUT…. if I do ovulate than hopefully I will have some EWCM. I feel like I am damned one way or another, but I needed a break. Well, it’s kind of a break, a little break.

On the bad side of that decision, if there is a chance for EWCM it has reduced significantly with this cold. I have had to take so much medication and I didn’t eat or drink very much so now I am really dehydrated which will probably affect me when it comes to ovulating and EWCM. I am trying to drink lots of water now that I’m feeling better.

Then long term…. I postponed my appt. with the RE until later this month (which worked out good because I couldn’t really compile my thoughts very well when I had that cold). When I do have my appt. I will talk to her about the idea of IUI. I also still have to call the insurance company and find out if the IUI is covered. Last time I talked to them I was under the impression that it was covered, but when I talked to the billing person at the RE’s office she thought it wasn’t. That may change the timing of things. Before I do IUI, I will probably end up doing one month of injectibles first, but I will talk to Dr. K about what she thinks. I’m still afraid of needles and the injections but I am much more ok with it now than I was (thanks to you all).

So that’s things on the TTC front.

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Squash….Squish…..Smoosh….Stomp….Smash…..

That’s the sound of my hopes being stomped on and smashed to all oblivion. Or at least that’s how I’m feeling right now.

Yesterday was 12dpo and last night I started spotting. This morning more spotting. And yes I did take an early hpt before the spotting just for the heck of it and negative.

I don’t feel like I have much hope left right now and I feel like what I’m doing is useless. Since I’ve been on any of the medications I’ve mostly been ovulating and producing at least one good follice. My husband’s sperm count is normal. Isn’t that supposed to work: 1 egg + good sperm = baby? Right???? So if everything is going right why doesn’t the equation add up?

I’ve been doing this for over 2 years. If it hasn’t worked like this by now, there must be another problem. When I started trying again after the miscarriage, I wasn’t ovulating, but we fixed that with clomid and femara and ovidrel. They think I’m borderline with PCOS so I’m taking Glucophage for 3 months now. Still not pregnant. So what’s left to do??? I know I still have options (medication, IUI, IVF) but I feel like if nothing has worked so far nothing will.

I just have a feeling of hopelessness right now. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels.

So I called the RE this morning and talked to the nurse about what’s next. My chart said Dr. K wrote after we try the Femara then next comes combination of clomid and injections. My biggest concern with that is since I’ve been on all the medications I don’t think I have had very much ewcm, so I afraid that nothing is going to work if that is part of the problem. Since I’m kind of at a point where I’m feeling so discouraged I asked if I could get in to have an appt. with the Dr. to discuss things. But on the other hand I don’t really know what I want to do anyway, so I don’t know that I have much purpose in meeting with her either.

I couldn’t get an appt. for her until Wed. but Monday will probably be day 3 so that is when I would start taking the clomid, so I will have already started taking the clomid when I am talking with her.

I am though considering a couple of things, does anyone have an opinions or encouragement on any of these:

(Keep in mind with these options that A. I have already met my deductible for this year, so insurance is covered better right now than it will be starting again in January. And B. I am at the end of my rope and I’m getting very frustrated with medications, shots, etc…) I realize A. & B. are conflicting which is where part of the problem is.

1. Try the injectibles and clomid combination like my RE has as my next step.

2. Take the month off of medications and “try” the old fashioned natural way. (possibility I may or may not ovulate)

3. Think about moving on to IUI.

4. Ask to try another month of just Femara.

5. Or ask if I can combine Femara with the injectibles instead of clomid (possibility of fewer side effects and less chance of drying CM)

Any thoughts, words of wisdom???

And thank you all so much for the support you give, it really means a lot to me, especially in times like this when I just feel so hopeless and worn out. I don’t know what I would be like if I hadn’t found all of you in the blogosphere.

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Thanks everybody for sharing in my misery about the blurred vision. It’s just one thing that drives me crazy.

Sorry I haven’t been around all week. I started work last week and I have been exhausted all week. And we were pretty busy with a lot of other things too. But, I don’t think much else will tire you out than 12 toddlers around age 2. They keep you running!!

Just to catch you up on all of my stats, well, today is 9dpo. I went in a week ago last Friday for my day 13 ultrasound. I had one large 23mm follicle on the left side and nothing on the right, so they gave me my trigger shot. My lining was better this month, at 10.5. Since it was Friday that they gave me the shot, we decided to go away for the night and have a romantic evening. So hubby took the day off of work and we went to Stra.tford, Canada. After a day of driving and having several things go wrong we finally got a really nice hotel room, we went out for dinner, then we watched a couple episodes of “The Office” that we had on the ipod. It turned out to be a very nice evening.

Apparently Okto.ber.fest is really big in parts of Canada, huh? Well, we didn’t know it was going to be so big there and we had trouble getting a hotel. I think some places celebrate it around here, but you don’t hear very much about it.

So the next day went much better, we did some Christmas shopping, went out to dinner and drove home, but at least we got to get away. Even though we had a lot of things go wrong the first day, we really enjoyed it. It was nice just to spend time with hubby.

After we got home it was so sad to hear Manuela’s news, . It just breaks my heart. Then also hearing Disenchanted’s news about her cycle getting cancelled. I wish none of us had to go through all this.

The rest of the week was pretty much spent chasing around toddlers and singing “The wheels on the bus”. I’ve been so tired when I get home. I’m ready for a nap right now, but I thought I would catch up on the blogging world while I devour a bag of sesame seed breadsticks.

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**With added p.s. and p.s.s. at bottom of post.***

Ok, since starting all these delightful fertility drugs there is one side effect that I can definately live without - my eyesight has gotten so blurry! It’s been driving me crazy. I used to have very good eyesight, occasionally I would have to use reading glasses as I have a little astigmatism, but I would normally do just fine without them.

When I started on clomid is when my eyesight started to get bad, usually very blurry. Now that I switched to Femara and it’s supposed to have less side effects, but I think the blurriness is actually getting worse! Lately it seems like I can’t see anything clearly. I hate this!

My hubby is always telling me to wear my glasses and either I lose them or forget to bring them, or sometimes I just don’t feel like wearing them. I think it’s because I don’t want to accept that I need them. I have nothing wrong with wearing glasses, I just get so irritated because my eyesight has always been good. My body doesn’t always cooperate with me on so many other things (hence the fertility drugs), but this is something on me that worked pretty good, now that’s failing too.

When my stepsister was on clomid she said her vision got bad too, but that it eventually did get better again since she’s been off the drugs. She’s married to an optomitrist and they told me that it should get better when I’m off the fertility drugs, whenever that is! Has this been a problem for any of you too?

P.S. Sara at The Island - I wanted to tell you that I can’t leave comments on your blog anymore, I’ve been cut off as it is only open for a blogger acct. I’ll have to figure something out or get a blogger acct, but in the meantime I wanted you to know I’ve been checking in but can’t comment.

And Mrs. X - If you’re around to read this, I can’t leave you a comment either (same reason). I’m sorry that you’ve been run out of the blogosphere, we’ll miss you. I hope things go well for you in the future.

P.S.S. Eeek! I just looked outside and it’s snowing!!! It’s October! And it’s not frost left from overnight, it’s snow and it is currently falling. It’s on the ground and covering my neighbor’s roof.

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Please visit and send your support and thoughts to Karen at My Perky Ovaries. She has had a very scary pregnancy and yesterday she miscarried. My heart breaks for what she has gone through. Sometimes life can be so cruel and unfair.

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Not much to say today, things have been kind of crazy, BUT also kind of boring lately. I start a new job next week to help out a friend of mine at a dayc.are ce.nter. Yes, I think I am crazy to work at a dayca.re cen.ter, but my friend needs the help. I won’t have to work in the baby room though, I will be working with the to.ddlers. It’s going to be hard but I’m trying really hard to let some of the pain go and TRY to be a normal person. Key word: TRY. We’ll see how it goes. I’m so tired of my life being on hold, and being hurt and angry all the time. A couple weeks ago was the day 2 years ago that I had my D&E and my baby was gone. For 2 years since I have not been myself and feel that I’m not really living. I want to start living again, but I also WANT to have a baby and sometimes feel that I can’t start living again until I get pregnant. I miss the baby that I lost. I miss alot of innocence. I miss believing that if you want to get pregnant you just have sex.

On another note today is cd6. Dr. K increased my Femara dosage. Hopefully it will work this month. It’s funny that the first month I was on it I had 3 good size follicles, then last month nothing. It is the first time though that I didn’t ovulate but that I had a 28 day cycle. My chart looked pretty normal with the exception of some floopy temps at the beginning of the cycle. When I used to have an annovulatory cycle my temps were up and down and the cycle was always very long.

If I just went by last month’s chart I would think it was pretty normal and I would have thought I ovulated. But since I had an ultrasound on cd13, cd16, and cd19 I know that I did not ovulate, I didn’t even have any follicles that were close to big enough. I guess I’m going to have to consult my “Taking charge of your fertility” book and find out why my temps went up but that I didn’t ovulate.

It also makes me wonder that the first 5 months I was on clomid, my regular OB/GYN didn’t monitor me with ultrasound or progesterone blood tests, she just went by my charts. Maybe then my charts showed a temp increase, but maybe I didn’t ovulate then either? Oh well, I’m getting monitored now so I can’t second guess the past, nothing I can do about it now anyway.

Well, I have to get going, but I want to check on everyone too. I’m going out to dinner with the inlaws shortly and it’s already been a crazy day. M.ilo had a poopy incident which required giving him a bath. Let me just say that he does NOT like baths, AT ALL. So that was almost an all day event.

FYI - last month’s chart:

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I have a whole list of things to do today but I spent most of the morning playing Hero Machine. Lisa at Strollercoaster posted the link on her blog and she made herself into a superhero. Curiousity got to me so I created myself as a superhero. I always had a small interest in superheros, not like a “dress up at conventions” kind of interest, but I grew up with 2 boys who lived next door and they were like brothers to me so we watched a lot of superhero cartoons and played with the action figures. (They played their share of Barbie too!) As an adult I still think Won.der Wo.man is cool (the 70’s version). I think being a superhero would be pretty cool.

OK, so I took some creative license, but it’s who I would make myself as a superhero. And in response to the question Lisa asks “What would your superpower be?” I still have to think about that one some more. I think she does win the game by choosing to be able to change time. Now if I could only get the power to become pregnant.

So here I am:

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